at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
