Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
