I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
