i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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