I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize