apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Randomize
