Umm I'm too high to move.
I'm lost and stupid without you.
My friends, they love my intelligence
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Randomize
