So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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