what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
