dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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