mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
