I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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