My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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