I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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