i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
