Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Someone came in the potted fern
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
