Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
