You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
