There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
