Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
