The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
