i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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