what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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