i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
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