I want to walk on stilts...naked
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
