i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
