your thong is hanging out like whoa
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
