In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
