his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I'm experimenting with sincerity
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Randomize
