You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
