paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
