so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
