Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
