apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
