Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
