i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
So much rum. So many feels.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
