The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
