Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Randomize
