His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
