four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
