and you said cock pushups were impossible
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
