I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
