I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize