I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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