Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I miss vodka workout Fridays
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
