tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
