I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
