i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
