I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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