Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
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