ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Randomize
