My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
