Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Randomize
