you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
