Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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