Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
