Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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