At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
