He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
